misery

God has given me a compassion for people and their pain. and i don't like it.

i say that because i was not this way before. i used to be somewhat self-centered. and by "somewhat" i mean "completely." it's a side effect from having a calloused heart. now, i do things to keep myself in check, such as not capitalizing "i" when i am talking about myself. it's a little reminder to myself that i am not a big deal.

for the past few years i have been noticing a desire within me to ease people's emotional distress. or at least share in their misery. those who know me best know that i am awesome at being miserable. when i was in kindergarten, i could be miserable at a 3rd grade level.

people break my heart, is what i am really trying to get at. and that is Christ's fault.

but i think that is because that's what God wants, whether i like it or not. when i jumped on this whole "accept the Savior (Saviour?)" boat, a slow transformation began inside me. and now i am a pin cushion. people hurt me all the time now- sometimes on purpose, sometimes without realizing it. even if i have nothing to do with them, or any particular situation. when i see Christ-followers struggling, i feel it. when i see a "lost" person suffering, i feel it. especially if i've had a few beers. man, i get sentimental when i drink...but i digress.

for me, i have to hurt before i can truly forgive. other times i feel like God gave me this capacity to feel other's pain just so that i would care. He invested so much in me, and now i find myself investing in others. i used to enjoy being alone. now i get lonely.

i tell you this because God tore down my walls. and i open up my deepest feelings on blogs that anyone can read and then make fun of me later. i hope your walls are being torn down, as well. i want you to be miserable just like me, if you know what i mean.