here's what did not happen at work tonight:

it was a normal night... at first.

there were no customers at the time so the rest of the employees and i were hanging out at the counter, you know, shooting the breeze. all of a sudden, we noticed three pitch black SUV's had pulled up into the parking lot. i think they were Cadillacs.

a mob of well-dressed men of asian descent came through the door. i knew we were in trouble. "GET DOWN," i yelled. but it was too late. the cashier was already hit by a throwing star. it was only a flesh wound, but it was a really bad one. she collapsed to the floor as the rest of us ducked down behind the counter as bullets from ak-47s sprayed above us.

the manager and i crawled to the back of the store and grabbed the shotguns we keep by the dishwasher just in case this sort of thing happens. i kicked the swinging door right off the hinges as i stormed out, blasting buck shot all over the place.

our attackers apparently did not expect retaliation. as the first wave of them fell to our shotguns, the rest of the employees had acquired glocks somehow. i think they carry them in their purses all the time. the remaining mobsters of asian descent had taken their position behind some overturned tables, throwing ninja stars and shooting their ak-47s.

i heard their leader shout "KILL THEM!" (have you seen the trailer for the new ninja movie, where a ninja protege rebels against the rest of them, and so the old guy, who apparently leads the ninjas, shouts "KILL HIM!!!"? yeah, it was just like that.)

resistance began to seem futile. there was too many of them. the store was already demolished by endless rounds from ak-47s. then there was a brief silence. the silence was broken by something behind me that i had thought fallen off a shelf. but nothing had fallen off a shelf. it was a grenade that had been thrown and landed directly behind me. my manager quickly picked it up and threw it through a glass window, completely shattering it. the grenade exploded outside.

as the firefight resumed, i made eye contact with my manager. we simultaneously nodded our heads, knowing what we needed to do. it was the only thing left to do. the only thing that could help us win this losing battle against mobsters of asian descent.

i put down my shotgun, and grabbed an acoustic guitar that we always keep under the counter, just in case. "perhaps we should keep the guns instead of the guitar under the counter from now on," i thought to myself. i jumped up on top of the counter, hoping that the power of music would save us all. i began to sing:

"Where it began, I can't begin to know when
But then I know it's growing strong
Oh, wasn't the spring, whooo
And spring became the summer
Who'd believe you'd come along"

the mobsters of asain descent were confused. as they pointed their guns at me, ready to shoot, i had almost made it to the chorus of the song. a chorus so great that no one on earth can resist singing a long. a chorus that can make you forget everything. and it was just in time:

"Hands, touching hands, reaching out
Touching me, touching yooooou....

Sweet Caroline (Bop Ba Daaah)
Good times never seemed so gooood
I've been inclined (Bop Ba Daaah)
To believe it never would"

the mobsters had fallen into our trap! they had gathered into a half-circle swaying left and right, singing the chorus to "sweet caroline" by neil diamond. because they were singing, they hadn't notice that we had all discreetly left the store through the back door. before the spell of "sweet caroline" was over, we had all hidden behind our cars in the back parking lot. the manager pulled out a strange remote that had one red button on it. "i always hoped that i would never have to use this" he said, full of remorse. he pressed the red button, we heard a buzzing sound, and the entire store blew up- along with the mobsters of asian descent inside.

the store was gone, but we had won the fight.

if you don't know the song "sweet caroline" by neil diamond, you'd better learn it. it might save your life. sometimes fans sing it at sporting events when the away team loses, too.